by ILA CORCORAN
I honestly had high hopes for 2017. I was turning 19 in July, I felt like a semi-adult, and I was in the midst of my first internship at the start of the year. Things went beautifully for the first eighteen days. Then, on January 19th, I totaled my second car. As someone who believes that everything happens for a reason, I took that accident as a lesson about responsibility and the preciousness of life. And while it was all of those things, looking back I realize it was probably moreso a warning. At the time, I had no idea how much this year would challenge me as a young woman trying to navigate through life. I can’t put into words everything this year has done for me, made me feel, or put me through. It wasn’t because of big accomplishments, or tragic events, but rather small milestones and emotional development that I needed, despite my unpreparedness. My relationship with myself, my loved ones, and my vision of the future has changed dramatically, thanks to the magnitude of this year. I leave 2017 still feeling like a kid, as I’m only 19, but a kid with a new pair of shoes or something. I look through a new lense, and I’m on a new wavelength. Through stress and frustration and the making/breaking of relationships, I basically learned what all adults are forced to at one point: In order to grow up you must first grow out, and sometimes outgrowth is the most uncomfortable part of getting older.
Sometimes your pants don’t fit you anymore. Sometimes your friends don’t fit you anymore. And, honestly, sometimes your family doesn’t get you anymore. Those are facts that I learned through watching the struggles that others face, but I was never able to accept them for myself. Until this year, I’d never had to. I’m at a point now where I’ve decided I can’t feel bad for being whoever and whatever I am. While it’ll never feel good to disappoint someone I love, I operate with the intent to enrich my life, and if that is stepping on your toes, you should move out of the way. This year I’ve outgrown a lot of things. I’ve outgrown the standards I used to hold other people to. I’ve outgrown the limits that were put on me, by myself and others. I’ve outgrown some people, not because I’m better than them or vice versa, but because we weren’t getting what we needed from each other. And that’s okay. This year, I learned how to let go in a way that I wasn’t used to. I learned that my own happiness isn’t something I’m willing to sacrifice, and my success will come on my terms. I learned that the people that love you will push you, argue with you, but, most of all, try to understand you. And if they don’t, they aren’t your friends. I learned that it’s okay to let people walk out of your life, it’s not your job to stop them. I’ve begun to understand that sometimes you have to be selfish, and you don’t have to feel bad about it. Growing up is realizing sometimes you aren’t the best for someone. Growing out is leaving behind the things that aren’t the best for you.
Through time we all face pivotal years of growth, and this past year was a big one for me. Although it was probably the most difficult and confusing year of my life to date, I feel more myself now than I ever have before. And that’s not because I didn’t know who I was before, but because I’m beginning to understand who I’m meant to become. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s true and I’m writing this as a reflective piece that someone may relate to or perhaps use as a tool. If I can help someone come to terms with some of the uncomfortable adjustments life puts us through, that’s all I care about. This year I have had to learn tough lessons about people and life. I’ve seen many of my relationships change with many people that I care about. But, most of all, I’ve strengthened my relationship with myself and my goals. I’m so thankful that the trials and tribulations of 2017 have brought me to this point.
The most daunting part of growing up is the idea that you will one day be on your own, without the shield of your parents or your youth to protect you. Your mistakes will be yours to clean up. As a kid, it’s hard to understand that you will ever get to the point where you are in charge of your own life. I still don’t really understand it, but I think I’m getting there, and that’s what thrills me. I’m so intrigued and excited to be at a new threshold where it seems like everything is at my fingertips. I have to ability to take ownership of my mistakes and my successes. How exciting, and terrifying, and frustrating, and wonderful all at once. 2018, I’m ready for you.
